Saturday, August 20
ally: there is yet another ulterior motive behind my decision to aspire to the glorious servant-hood of teaching. to get back what i [what WE] once had. do you realise, if you join me and we both go somewhere together.. we'll be together forever? it's not like school, where you spend a few years together and then graduate to different places. when you work, esp with this wooden rice bowl job, you don't have to move your ass until you retire. consider that!
jean: i tried writing to you. and then i crossed it out. and wrote something else. crossed that out too. that sheet of paper's now crushed and crumpled, lying in the damned bin. because i've never known when too much is too much. i guess this is one of those situations where i should just shut up right? i guess i'll just say - you've always seemed to lead the perfect life; you've had everything. like someone once said, you're the girl every girl wants to be. i know sometimes you struggle to balance things, and sometimes they really are impossible to balance. loneliness was never really a problem was it? at least not after primary school. i guess some people adjust better, and you haven't gotten to the stage where you're willing to move on yet. you've got so much now. you've always had. would you honestly give any of that up, for something that could be potentially worth less in the eyes of the world? the world judges us - we succumb. everyone does. some are just in denial. i don't know what i'm trying to say. i just know that we're fundamentally the same in our outlook and values. neither of us has moved on. neither of us wants to. the biggest difference between you and me is that you embody what could have happened to me if God hadn't rushed through the job and made such a mess of it. i say this at the risk of hell's fire. but if i am afraid to speak now, when will i ever?
and now i feel like shit. the word 'shit' says so much huh. literally. when i'm in trouble i say 'oh shit'. confusingly [for other people] when i'm terribly happy i say 'oh shit' as well. it describes a variety of emotional downs and situations. how fitting, that it is a four-letter word. like love.
yesterday was fine and dandy until i got home and my mother started picking on me and i turned off the lights and closed the door. enrolement was a mess [as expected] and icf was all right. the real highlight of the day was the time i got to spend with all of you. i realise the sa girls really do wear incredibly short skirts. when nanz bends over i can see her shorts. read the plc 03/04 blog for details.
strength is relative. relative to the burden thrust upon each unwitting mule.
it must've been love.
3:25 pm
xoxo
